Dealing with what happens is the only thing worse than what happens. Every bit of knowledge and experience indicates our next update is not going to involve a trip to the candy factory.

The likelihood of fleeing from zombie wolves following a tire blowout after being chased by bandits is reassuring in its way. We’ll end up eating sweet grass clippings after hiding in the woods. Don’t forget to be grateful for food and a comfortable place to lie down.

Unpredictability is the only predictable thing. Welcome to this world, universe, and plane of existence. The only other thing close to certain is that disappointment is next. Bracing for it makes life easier, so appreciate the wisdom provided by foresight.

Shocking events for which nobody is ready illustrate the challenge of getting humans to retain anything. Whether through the lure of happiness, lack of personal computing power, or a foolishly stubborn adherence to optimism, people are always surprised when events inevitably lead us off a cliff into a lava pit.

The response is unfortunately easy to guess. We’re going to relinquish decision-making to the pompous buffoons least qualified to supervise others in a fruitless attempt to limit future woe. Predictability always happens when it’s least welcome.

Barely upright humans need government choosing utensils for us. We’ll be eating with hands after butter knives are confiscated for safety. Our dear leaders make rather heavy suggestions, what with the threat of arrest.

Feel assured your elected babysitters are going to use whatever happens to keep you from dangerously thinking on your own. Knowing how many people will be upset that not enough control was commandeered makes those capable of autonomy even more depressed. Can I get bourbon on those fries?

Collective thinkers never let irony come to their one giant flabby brain. Those who classify law enforcement supporters as bootlickers demand ceding independence to authority for any bit of troubling news. The most helpless are never going to wait a week for the economy to rebound. Subsidies should’ve arrived 10 minutes ago.

All things in this dreadful world are worse when you’ve come down with something. Take how dang free will gets blamed for everyone being sick, especially by governors who made everyone sick.

The nerve to demand the freedom to walk about will doom us all, according to amateur scientists who refuse to accept results of the experiment where government tried running things. There’s nothing selfishly rotten to want to see a concert or buy groceries. Meanwhile, it’s apex of meanness to separate those who are more susceptible.

The reaction to current events may not quite be healthy in the sense it’s like smoking while tanning. This delightful year features discovering how racist we’ve been all along. Calling you bigoted while classifying cops as the shock enforcement squad is coincidentally the preferred rhetorical tactic for the same people who presume anything people have to buy on their own is a human rights violation.

The sweet and silly want to think the government can order problems to evaporate. They’re in charge, after all. Voting exists to fix our ailments, according to modern dispatches displaying sophisticated understanding of human nature and authority. Demands to be governed always come from those you’d expect wouldn’t be able to fasten Velcro.

The most dispassionate thinkers disregard opposing evidence that just happens to be slanted in favor of their predetermined conclusions. You’re supposed to obey science, you mortifying troglodyte.

Experiment results should be codified by law. No, not that one. An entity that can’t figure out taking money from the economy hurts it surely knows epidemiology. Anyone who thinks conclusions are discovered and proclaimed surely grasps the process. Science is settled, claim those who don’t know how science works.

America is the epicenter of rugged individualism. Now fix this for free. It doesn’t matter what’s broken. Expecting someone elected to shield us from harm and sadness embodies a totally reasonable and practical view of life.

A president is now expected to help anyone who didn’t bother accumulating savings, not protect us from marauding foreign powers. Get these Redcoats out of my living room. Economic downturns caused by the government turning down a dark path surely don’t cause the problems that need solving.

It’s a drag having to find a place to stick endless junk, from global disease crawl to dealing with jerks in adjacent cubicles. Replying to whatever strife gets inflicted that day is the price of being human. Existence is a purchase we didn’t make. But dealing is nonetheless a condition of participation even if we didn’t consent.

Pretending we can be shielded from woe creates more of it. An alarming number of political participants are too busy demanding more rights be taken to appreciate how much worse that’ll make life. People understandably but unfortunately look for a guarantee instead of a quality product.

Accept best wishes while trying to get a promise from the one organization that will not be held accountable for breaking them. As a hint, you can’t switch companies. Customers can fill out complaint cards, but they’ll just be disregarded by someone you pay involuntarily who has no need to please you.

Cranky as a lifestyle choice.