Bottom Ten Lowlights a Start for Andrew Cuomo
The toughest part of summarizing Andrew Cuomo’s rather active lockdown legacy is only choosing 10 appalling screwups. The least worthy egomaniac ever should have to face more charges than that at The Hague. Until justice is served, those who observed or endured his bloodthirsty spree can list his crimes in the War on COVID.
Anyone even slightly divorced from partisan hero worship could and did tell those treating the worst Cuomo since Chris as the pandemic messiah that he wouldn’t have to do anything differently to please Satan. Those residing in reality can consider a double-digit list of economy- and human-killers to start:
10) Forcing bar patrons to order food with drink summarized preposterous micromanagement from the pushiest ruler. The most thoroughly mocked of all shutdown rules remains emblematic of how Cuomo operates. See, you won’t spread plague by walking around if you dine while sipping your ale, which means ordering fries prevents your murder. Many asylum patients think similarly.
The aspiring tyrant in question decided he has both the right and duty to control lives. The only way he could make his unimaginable ego trip worse is by sucking at it. A bossy twit’s analysis and ensuing control of human activity surely saved lives apart from it actually happening.
9) Shut down any tavern who notes inherent silliness. Those daring to question orders that only seem fatuous to the observant face our hero’s righteous wrath. The audacity involved in mocking the deity saving us all must be countered with damnation in the form of not getting to operate.
You’re not allowed to laugh at a routine too surreal for Monty Python. Blasphemy that leads to losing a liquor license is the best argument against how New York works, or rather doesn’t. Cuomo is a petty tyrant with a mafia mentality. The actual mob can turn a profit.
8) The casual nature of overbearing orders is common to those with supernatural delusions. Deciding which basic human interaction would be devastated that day was reminiscent of Lyndon Johnson choosing bombing targets. Industries waited to be leveled like North Vietnam.
General Cuomo claims to be on the side of businesses. But the astounding pomposity of saving them by destroying them is natural to someone who thinks he was born to tell others what to do despite a preponderance of contrary evidence. The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Jesus is Jesus doesn’t think he’s Andrew Cuomo.
7) Commemorate the worst of times with the pandemic poster that made impoverished New Yorkers feel good about not spending $14.50. The layout’s prototypical hideousness suits the lies contained within. To be fair, the graphic design is as impressive as Cuomo’s performance. Some images are inadvertently apt.
6) A leader who’s so efficient that he has time to write a book about it sounds like a nice story. Unfortunately for the author governor, people noticed he was full of it. Detailing how the biggest failure was the best achievement would be quite an achievement as fiction. That’s what he wrote, although lacking a compelling plot and with all the words churned out by underlings. James Frey was comparatively honest.
Cuomo’s horrid tome was a success in the same sense he keeps winning elections despite being criminally atrocious. The untalented hack’s unfathomably large advance was as deserved as his Emmy. He got paid infinity dollars per reader. Millions to write as poorly as he rules is actually not that much if split amongst the families of his many victims.
5) Incessant press conferences are unwise if your state’s streets are clogged with victims of your policies. Cuomo’s confidence that he singlehandedly saved humanity was a fatal flaw, at least for thousands of his state’s residents. Advertising what a putz he was only killed his reputation, which made him one of the lucky ones.
The oafish fiend might never have been caught without showing off to the sort of sick fans who propose to prisoners. An arrogant maniac boasting about his record of ending life is so hackneyed that whatever Law & Order is still on the air wouldn’t use it. The Zodiac Killer could’ve taught him how to taunt without being caught.
4) Waiting forever is what true leaders do. Make sure others go first for heightened bravery. Cuomo magically decided masks were unnecessary right after the CDC flipped the reveal switch. Science’s timing is uncanny.
The horrifying death rate would have been even worse without strict breathing restrictions, claim the same pyramid scheme salespeople who think federal spending keeps the economy from getting even worse. Unjustified optimists would like to believe Cuomo realized his fruitless war was a lost cause. In reality, he didn’t want to lose even more congressional seats to states who liberated breathing holes months ago. Follow the science like moving trucks crossing state lines.
3) The regent appointed by divinity is also blessed with a royal family. And who better to issue blessings than the chosen one himself? Any Empire State serf should’ve felt honored to skip a virus test so the king’s relatives could feel secure about knowing. Commoners better not possess the insolence to wonder why those blessed to be related to the monarch deserve special timing. Cuomo is as much Ceausescu and Eva Peron’s descendant as he is Mario’s.
2) New York came so close to being number one. Unfortunately, it’s at virus deaths. The second-worst death rate per capita of any state isn’t quite equivalent to a Super Bowl loss.
As usual, New Jersey was the only thing keeping another state from being the nation’s worst. Not failing as badly as the Turnpike State is no accomplishment, especially when it comes to dead residents.
1) The War on Grandparents is a victory to sickos. An alleged slave to evidence was remarkably unscientific as he forced nursing homes to take the infected, which sounds diabolical even without knowing results. No matter how ghastly the toll is, it somehow keeps getting worse.
The one obvious thing anyone paying the slightest bit of attention should have grasped is that the most vulnerable didn’t need patients as roommates. The best case for a diseased reaction is that a panicky governor didn’t want to make the mean president look helpful by using hospital ships Washington sent. Whatever the reason, Cuomo is a bigger Democratic killer than Jim Jones and John Wayne Gacy combined.
Symptoms have long been evident. Cuomo performed horrifically years before the New York Virus spread. His lethally bumbling interdictions merely accelerated fleeing. Guiding the economy by taxing any bit of success worked as well as his pandemic forays. Wallets are as empty as morgues are full.
Killing what he touches is the Grim Reaper’s signature, as seen back when to ruined the global economy pimping subprime mortgages as Housing and Urban Development secretary. But at least he’s a serial predator.
Classifying an entitled undeserving brat as a psychopath is not an exaggeration. He’s incapable of empathy yet able to fake it to particularly deluded partisans who still wear masks while driving alone. The fad has passed. It’s tougher to find someone to admit they fell for his shtick than it is to get him to admit he might have made a questionable decision.
Unblinking certainty while failing absolutely is the chief family trait. Cuomo is either the most inept politician possible or a remarkably efficient serial killer.