Buffalo Bills Should Check in on Belichick
Bill Belichick looks homeless and is jobless. He probably won’t actually end up without a place to live unless he spent a few decades of salary on Squishmallows. But he might still look for work even though the quarterback who dragged him to success is also presently a slacker. Tom Brady will curse next season’s Fox broadcasts with color commentary, so his erstwhile ostensible boss might want to similarly look busy.
A team that may or may not be christened for him should hire him either way. Use his habit of crushing your dreams as motivation to hire him. The Falcons are resentful; the Bills shouldn’t be. As for a more familiar enemy, the ultimate trolling of Patriots begins with an invitation to discuss job opportunities. He wouldn’t even need to bring a shovel. Turning the Buffalo Bills’ Darth Vader away from the Dark Side would come earlier in the film series.
Recruiting the primary villain would be the best form of revenge. Belichick has been tormenting a team sharing his Christian name long before he lucked into overseeing a roster assembled by Satan in exchange for a totally fair and completely temporary soul possession. I only bring up how he was the New York Giants defensive coordinator whose plan for Super Bowl XXV to limit a passing attack that up until that evening had been rather prolific in order to say it’d be nice to finally ally with him.
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying, claim cheaters. Ask Belichick. He was caught twice, which means he’s done it more. Much of his work has been illegitimate, and all of it’s been tainted. And you could still check if this scoundrel would want to be shady for your faction.
Even those unrestrained by moral qualms note limitations dictated by personnel. Belichick’s underwhelming .449 record without Brady makes the argument that throwing the ball is more important than telling someone how to do so.
Phenomenal players improving a coach’s reputation is the rule, not the exception. Take someone like George Seifert, who won a Super Bowl with a super team then won one game with a less talented one. Outside of football, Casey Stengel’s charming take on English distracted from how he was a mediocre manager with okay rosters, consistent champion when he could utilize a relentless lineup of all-time greats, and lousy while saddled with the expansion Mets. I almost suspect correlation is not coincidental.
The human embodiment of the Grim Reaper would have access to a player who has given the Bills life. Josh Allen means we wouldn’t get to settle the question regarding Belichick’s inability to win without a proficient quarterback. The guy who knows by now to only work with superhuman players would follow Phil Jackson, who Knicks fans are only sure sucks as an executive.
The prospective hire doesn’t have to gain bravery now by coaching a team with a trainee quarterback. A team lucky enough to have found its answer at the position spurring the most questions is here to win now, not conduct every permutation on the experiment.
One quasi-opening has been filled. There’s no longer a defensive coordinator vacancy that’s been sort-of open since Leslie Frazier went out for cigarettes. The head coach additionally performing a second task counted, technically. BB has decided to go with a different BB to run the defense full-time in what’s good news if you think this club has shown it has a strong enough culture to promote internally and less-good news if you fear they’ve plateaued.
Perhaps a frequent Super Bowl winner will help even if the trophies are tarnished. With the coordinator job filled, make up a title for Belichick. If you wonder whether he’s interviewing for head coach or special assistant associate advisor, the answer is yes. The Bills could either add a sideline consultant on the verge of the all-time coaching wins crown or let him add to the total.
Wondering what life would be like upon signing the most joyless winner in NFL history serves as a condemnation of McDermott. A rather experienced lieutenant could at least enable shrewder in-game decisions, which is something the incumbent is at a remedial level. He may resemble a black hole when it comes to celebrating victories and respecting rules, but Belichick thinks out scenarios.
It’s time for their own deal with the Devil. Knowing Buffalo’s fortunes, the miserable multiple champion wouldn’t add another with his new employer. But fate is guided by bad decisions, not cranky Greek gods. Scotty Bowman won a Stanley Cup everywhere but with the Sabres because he was allowed to screw up the roster he coached by serving as general manager, too. Questionable decisions might align with existence’s nefarious plans.
Should and would are different things. Take what’s so far a refusal to consider employing a rather established success. You may have heard the Bills owner is the same person whose answer to ending the longest playoff drought in NHL history was to stick with a developmental coach and a hockey school manager as general manager. It’s uncanny how nobody else thought to hire Don Granato and Kevyn Adams first. If Terry Pegula refuses to can trainees who can’t engineer a top-half hockey finish, he’s certainly not going to pay for an upgrade over someone who just won a playoff game.
Cruel irony ought to be warped to your benefit. Trying to inflict it on others is the best way to cope with a universe that obviously hates us. The unfolding missed opportunity will be the most rueful What If…? yet. If nothing else, I think we could say Belichick would be motivated to beat New England. And his Mister Burns-style pursuit of wins acquisition would apply to other teams even without the added motivation of a personal grudge.
A nemesis offers the best chance for progress. The Vulcans are wise enough to know only Nixon could go to China. On a related note, it’d be criminal to not at least interview a most prominent adversary, and not just because the visit would be the funniest thing to happen this offseason. If the Bills are not ready to name a notorious football mob boss their godfather, bring him in as a qualified consigliere who could offer counsel and step in if necessary. Belichick finally got out of Buffalo’s way when his favorite player retired, and his official status as being between jobs doesn’t have to constitute the end of rejoicing.
