Getting Sporty with Jim Norton

Noted sports expert Jim Norton knows why sticking with a team is psychopathic behavior. The sweet boy’s latest standup special is streaming free on YouTube, which I watched as faithfully as I do competitions featuring my preferred appalling teams. Interestingly, that came up.

My favorite documentarian of unsettling behavior took a break from classifying his various perversions to explain why maintaining allegiance to a terrible team is senseless behavior. As a zealous cultist, I am offended. I don’t blink at James’s tales of unclothed encounters with gender-bending humans yet found myself stuck on his pointed explanation of when it’s wise to stop cheering:

I don’t even watch team sports anymore. Like I watched the Yankees this year and I was a fan again cuz they were in the World Series but then they humiliated all of us and they lost so I won’t watch them again until maybe next year if they’re in the playoffs and I say that and guys are like “You’re a bandwagon fan.” Yes! Shouldn’t you be a bandwagon fan? How is professional sports convinced people that you are somehow a deeper and more meaningful person if you tolerate a bad product? Like if you went to the same restaurant every Sunday and got food poisoning and someone’s like “You want to go somewhere else?” You wouldn’t go “I got to be loyal.” I watch them when they win and you tell guys that and they’re like “Yeah I was watching the Yankees when they were in last place.” All right well you’re a [bleeping] idiot. What do you want me to tell you? You’re a stupid [bleep] and you’re one of the reasons they were in last place, dummy. Because if no one showed up they would have gotten better but people like you would sit there like an idiot and they’re like “We don’t have to [bleeping] do anything they’re still coming.” I did something. I helped the team: I took my baseball dollars and I gave it to escorts that’s what I did. But it’s this weird like junky pride that people have. It’s this attachment like if you’re married to somebody and she used to cheat on you you wouldn’t brag about that. You wouldn’t be proud of that if people like “Hey your wife is really nice.” Nah well I loved her when she was [bleeping] everyone.

If I had a wife, I’d be deeply offended. The worst part is Jim’s right. I should end my dedication to spending a big percentage of every single precious day in this existence where nothing is guaranteed either watching or thinking about men running around trying to hurt each other’s bodies and feelings.

Yet I’m still not going to heed the wisdom of America’s most adorable degenerate. Worshiping KISS prompts looking away from how they became a quasi-tribute band with replacement members still fronted by Paul Stanley despite his inability to hit high shrieks anymore. Likewise, following a wretched team as it ruins your precious free time by blowing winnable contests leads to making the occasional excuse.

Fans who check the forecast can’t be trusted when it’s cloudy. Waiting for fair weather

makes sense if you think about it. But thinking is the first mistake.

The free market in action shows which sellers have been too passive about making improvements. A lousy company can sod off. Consumers will be back buying wares when the product is worthwhile.

Caring about an athletic brand is as human as it is moronic. Those things go together like hating your favorite team. I cherish this company even though it sucks. Sports offer a situation where a one-sided emotional bond affects decent sense. People committed to watching others move around an object better than those in different outfits are surely thinking clearly. I would stop shopping at Target if their products were as defective as Sabres games.

Comparing relationships to being a fan takes things too seriously. To clarify, going out with someone isn’t nearly that important. Josh Allen won’t disappoint like anyone you date. And the Bills will remain part of your life after you bail on or get bailed on by a roster of dubious temporary partners.

Relationships with scumbags are part of existence. Much of our time is spent calculating how much trash to tolerate piled up on the relationship’s sidewalk. It’s never a matter of having none. Participants can’t bail whenever circumstances get a little shaky. A spouse who leaves time on the microwave or seems to smile a bit too longingly at the Amazon delivery person is daring you to walk away. Is this bad enough to prompt a divorce? The answer is unfortunately probably not.

Foolishly dedicated backers are not bailing at the first instance of tumult, or, with the Sabres, the millionth. Trying to withstand trying times may as well be seen as a test of character: you may as well use life’s inevitable travails to hope they’re making you better. People spend a fair part of the day wish that the party they admires most wasn’t trying to help them by developing strength through crisis. Aches inflicted by the one person who’s supposed to be the one always there to assuage agony show how there’s no true safety.

Sports leagues create an odd situation where there’s a business to which all businesses belong. Cities are only going to have one company to back. There’s a second place to get an iced coffee but only one NHL team in Buffalo. And even that’s debatable. A competing league would deprive those in the alternate dimension of gathering all the most talented workers under one umbrella.

It makes sense to not be so loyal to loyalty. But that doesn’t mean anyone will do it. Caring about what hurts you enables a partner who is aware you won’t leave to treat you like dirt. Calling their bluff means going without something for which to cheer.

Affiliation screws up sense. Tell this lousy retailer to leave your life. You don’t even have to make an announcement. I wouldn’t miss, say, Subway’s mortifying attempts to manufacture sandiwches or the allegedly friendly markets of Tops. Getting to the point of not caring is the best way to get revenge on what wore you down. The worst thing to face is not contempt but indifference.

Players of games have spurred so much woe that it’s tough to even care about how disappointing they are. Abused followers would somehow feel the absence of the Sabres. A soft roster has beaten the resistance out of me more thoroughly than Big Brother defeated Winston Smith.

I’m sorry for the spoilers, but the Sabres are going to disappoint again. Every episode is the same. The only reason to continue with the binge is to see if they’re really able to sustain this level of dreadfulness. Even hate watching fails to create fun. It’s not a train wreck, as those are at least exciting in a horrifying way.

The franchise responsible for continuously harming you replies to your lack of interest by threatening to bail. Some other city desperate to feel frustrated and heartbroken may throw sacks of cash at a multibillionaire in order to entice an abusive partner to begin a courtship. The conglomerate could respond to empty seats by making all of them so. Those left with nothing to boo are devastated by even the most ghastly teams relocating.

The wise thing to do would be to let another municipality suffer. The counterargument that people like sports is irrational as it is persistent. Municipalities who fine residents for the crime of residing there could still deprive taxpayer funds from fantastically wealthy owners in indescribably profitable leagues.

I wish I didn’t feel compelled to keep cheering. Meth is easier to quit than sports. Yet refusing to eject despite the flaming engine feels like an idiotic and stubborn yet necessary demonstration of personality. I wouldn’t trust anyone who bailed on a crummy team to which they’ve previously pledged fealty. They’d quit on you the moment you lost a job and would never visit you in the hospital.

Fans questioning their faith while wandering through the desert end up concluding that they would be giving up on more than a bad product. The poetic urge to prevail accompanies hoping to see the same graceful superhuman movement on the athletic stage even if it’s rare.

People like sports. It’s as simple as the relationship is complicated. Teams commit war crimes against their fans offers a chance to endure challenges. Persevering when it’s far easier to stop watching dreadful contests might sound unappealing and certainly isn’t justification for franchises to field unacceptable sides. But sports are just as dumb as everything else.