Do you feel joyous? You have to by law. There’s a Democratic president, which is a victory for positivity according to firmly dispassionate media prophets who chronicle each of the new savior’s actions for the next Bible. The documentary is especially crucial as people join together in what’s not a totally vapid and entirely naïve endorsement of suspicious views that keep failing. Try not to ruin the earthly rapture this time with your mean evidence.

Anyone who thinks Joe Biden is going to usher in an era of widespread euphoria can positively kiss my moneymaker. The side that wants our stupid government telling free people what to do is about to create a Star Trek-style utopia where united humans pursue scientific bliss without being restrained by hunger or profits. Don your pajamas and brace for a lecture about humanity’s potential from nerds who aren’t bright.

Pretending something uplifting will result from an election is a sign you shouldn’t play poker. Only do so with me, as I’ll teach you just when to bet. Sorry for the spoilers, but this rather dumb life is in no way about to improve, especially with Joe freaking Biden attempting to deliver smiles.

The one thing worse than a lawyer practicing law is one creating it. You’d think someone who dedicated his life to winning elections in lieu of seeking work would eventually get good at the quasi-job. But being wrong about every last thing only convinced him he needed to keep going. Perseverance can be quite overrated.

Democrats creating eternal bliss through invasive interdictions ask that you don’t ask questions. Acting like Bill Clinton was going to micromanage life into happiness was as preposterous as expecting him to heed his wedding ring. And everyone was equally despondent thanks to Barack Obama’s encouragement taking the form of strangling the economy. We sure needed optimism to endure the presidency, as there wasn’t money.

The assignment may be tiring. But never stop mocking anyone who fell for The Man from Hope or Hope and Change, as defending democracy is an endless task. Now, hope Biden spends more time trying to learn how to turn the channel guide off with the clicker than he does on his new job. Democratic presidents inflicted ironic negativity on a country that didn’t realize how cynical an allegedly innocent slogan was, so call it even.

A series of meddlesome blunders we’re undoubtedly about to endure aren’t more amusing because they’re ruefully cruel. The new style of harassment involves condemning wars to kill diabolical American enemies while invading the lives of actual Americans. It may be just me who thinks it’s backward.

Creating a narrative about how super life’s about to be is easy when guesses about the next four years are being written by hagiographers not very cleverly disguised as journalists. Feeling enthusiastic about a presidency comes down to simple bias from simple semi-professionals. You’d think they could at least fall for leaders who have a sense of how the world works.

Reporters are jazzed about the new executive’s undeniably amazing and very American plans to tell you what to do. The platform is so swell that it must be enforced by law. You wouldn’t want to be left out of euphoria with your lousy free will, do you? Dear leaders spend what was yours so you can get something really neat.

Sore winners gloat as policy. Taunting is a popular hobby even when oh so fair reporters finally get to wave at a miserable Republican who just realized the locks have been changed. The replacement better be swell, or they’re going to feel constant shame.

There sure is a lot of snow blocking the windows after we were sold permanent sunshine. Journalists holding truth to power by siding with the president would be more sympathetic if they didn’t think government controls the weather.

The millionth example of ruining prosperity won’t stop the next presidential creator of paradise from spreading negativity through arrogant putzing. Presuming you can’t care for yourself is how members of the faith show they love you. Aspire to reasonable goals like not having goals. Three percent growth is decadent. You don’t want to get greedy, do you? Share more of what you have the nerve to keep for yourself for selflessness.

There’s no need for evidence to back the optimism contained by relinquishing your decisions to the state. You really need to have faith when nothing you believe ever works out. Look at these elaborate charts managing behavior that can’t account for simple interactions.

Truly looking forward to the future takes the form of allowing humans to trade what they have for what they want. Coming up with solutions as problems arise is infinitely more heartening than letting Geezer Biden plan. But it’s easier to praise a government agency telling you kindly how dumb you’re acting.

Praisers of a rather undeserving president can’t even use the excuse of moderate youthfulness. Democrats with glazed eyes used to fall for impossible arrogant dolts in their 40s. But everyone’s aging as nobody’s replacing.

Liberal lickspittles are going the cool grandpa route in the spirit of worshiping Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders. Wasn’t Ruth Bader Ginsburg the most adorable grandma who didn’t give a rat’s ass about the Constitution? Pops is going to make your life more expensive.

Feeling inspired by the least inspirational humans sadly isn’t a matter of novelty. It would have been inexcusable to join the federal cult the first time. Now, there are countless precedents of disappointment after falling for the lamest brainwashers.

Of course those who relocate to New Jonestown are marks who deserve to be conned out of their savings. The problem is everyone else gets cash confiscated when commune membership is mandatory. Those who keep signing over their souls haven’t learned their grand schemes inflict utter misery. Their adulation of those who heroically steer us toward the lava river at the cliff’s base will surely turn out differently.

Cranky as a lifestyle choice.