Lunatic Moon Puts on an Eclipsing Show
The eclipse almost got eclipsed. Lousy jerk clouds were so jealous of the attention whore Moon blocking the Sun that they tried to ruin the view. But Jersey Shore-style drama was ultimately not imported from a place outside the totality. The Moon was free to moon us.
Aspiring lookers worried a once-in-a-lifetime event would be even one fewer than that. Missing the lack of sunshine would’ve been a twist during the soft reboot of an emblematically bleak tale. Circumstances seemed eerily similar to
that deflating Ray Bradbury short story everyone has a traumatic memory of reading about the cruel class locking the girl in the closet so she misses the rare Venusian sunshine. But the happy ending we’re told never happens appeared out of nowhere.
I traveled all the way outside to be in the route. My greatest worry was whether I thawed enough Pizza Logs for every guest. We always try to be hospitable in Buffalo. I noticed how many out-of-state license plates partially concealed bumpers in the days leading up to the solar system show. Adventurous travelers took a chance on meteorological fate with a trip to the Queen City of Good Neighbors. The prospect of never getting a gift from the cosmos beat definitely not seeing it in some crescent-cursed state.
The skies weren’t blotted by a blizzard, so we dodged the worst-case scenario. I’d like to point out howling snow is an April rarity. Still, Buffalo residents braced to be disappointed by something other than teams or taxes. As for the shamefully high latter, politicians are so certain they know how to spend better than people who earn money that they take a cut just to prevent frivolous purchases. Take eclipse supplies. Many sites offered “free” glasses that taxpayers would’ve just bought with their own money if left to their unfettered devices. Visitors wondered why there was ample elbow room around commercial zones.
Existing area establishments celebrated the spacey occurrence by not selling anything. Everything closed while the skies opened. My indispensible neighborhood liquor store shuttered while the Moon was drunk, which means those who wanted to get eclipsed had to plan ahead. And even Tim Hortons took a rare break from brewing so workers could look wide-eyed through filters. How did eclipse viewers stay jittery? I hope meth dealers were shrewd enough to stay open.
Precautions against never seeing again seemed to work. Concerns about going blinfndsxvnjds wrrrervfwe ,a,,h/nxxc. My helper monkey has kindly stepped in to type dictations until my eyes stop feeling like I doused them with lava. Anthony is an idiot.
I’m trying to remember the astronomical facts I crammed over the past week, but I fret they’ll vanish from my memory like safety warnings for watchers. In my defense, it was tough to retain endless tips for ensuring spectators weren’t seeing the last thing they ever would.
Some alerts sounded like newsrooms sponsored contests to determine who could make the daftest admonition seem plausible. Most notably, owners of fancy wireless pocket phones were advised to not point the cameras where they were looking or the implements could go blind, too. You could make up any claim you’d like about where to aim eyes and get nervous participants to heed it. I’m pretty sure you couldn’t glance at a waxed car unless you wanted your eyeballs to melt. You won’t see them.
I tried to be as prepared as I was enthusiastic. It was as a good day for donning NASA socks as any this lifetime. To complement my festive wardrobe in practical terms, I made eclipse viewer from a cereal box just like Mrs. Benfanti taught me in third grade before a previous Moon-based incident. Interstellar experts recommend eating the Cheerios first.
A fun throwback of seeking entertainment by looking outside reminded us what it was like not to be glued to glowing pocket screens. The heavens should always be this entertaining. Keep staring outside for as long as it’s compelling. Your DVR retained its content unless lunar rays disrupted recording that episode of The Office. Creed doesn’t get fired on Halloween, so don’t worry. Television is probably crisper than the sky appeared but not as magical.
I spent most of Monday afternoon seeing the eclipse, sort of. The worst possible hours for overcast conditions seemed to embody the way things go on this rather uncooperative planet. I coped by planning to check out the spectacle next century presuming the weather obeys.
An eclipse where you can’t see the Sun for different reasons than advertised seemed like a lesson. The worst part of cloudy weather during the eclipse was my lack of surprise. The hometown of Rick James, Vincent Gallo, and me often seems like the place where fate disappoints.
Not being allowed to look presented little problem. A cruelly overcast day meant seeing some sort of blur through the real-life 3D glasses. Everyone was failing the eye test. Light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t provide much hope when it’s so splotchy.
But a transformation as amazing as queuing celestial objects redeemed what felt like a pending letdown. My journalism degree didn’t allow me to determine whether the totality overwhelmed puny clouds in its path or if they parted out of karmic mercy. Either way, the darkness led to lucidity.
The cosmic ballet compensated for tardiness. Blazing plasma surrounded the perfect black circle. For four glorious minutes or so, the fiery halo was the only clue that the Sun was still around. The only way the sudden penumbra coda could have been more satisfying was if it seemed like the advertised event wouldn’t be visible, so thank existence’s scriptwriters. You worried it was going to be cloudy for the whole eclipse, but the skies cleared at just the right time. Buffalo teaches about the universe.
Monday featured quite a night in the afternoon. We shared an incredible moment of all looking at the same alignment alongside. The eclipse offered a chance for people of all kinds to get together for gazing and realize we hate each other. Now, we share both animosity and liking that disappearing sunlight trick that one satellite pulled.
