Recessed Presidency

Anthony Bialy
4 min readJul 28, 2022

Duh. To the surprise of nobody outside the present lamest branch, the recession presidency is official. The inevitability of poverty doesn’t make empty checking accounts paired with full woe any less agonizing. Joe Biden made the nation as inert as he is.

The executive grifter doesn’t comprehend how we’re not wealthy like him. The necessity of productivity for others to profit is only one thing he doesn’t grasp. It would be far more surprising if anyone could afford anything. What’s the point of all this free money?

It’s not supposed to be like this. Today, bewildered Biden minions feel this way regarding finances. Brace for what baffles them tomorrow.

Americans were guaranteed to be rich by now. The executive branch followed its meticulous plan to the letter, and it can’t be that they’re all-star dopes who don’t understand economics, math, or human nature. We don’t even care that they’re confused by how existence has become less than awesome. I blame our inherent lack of empathy.

Churning out entitlements, making oil unobtainable, and adding costs to every transaction somehow didn’t turn all of us into the affluent bastards we’re conditioned to loathe. The good news is we can still love ourselves. Treasury printing presses have been particularly useless in stopping Godzilla from smashing fortunes. You can have all you want of what’s useless. Unlimited nothing is central to liberalism.

We’re living through 1984 if it had been run by inept twits. Big Brother is hassling you. If you can’t change reality, change meanings.

A flailing White House has no solution but to say what is isn’t and what isn’t is. The putzing autocrats’ dedication to warping words is as thorough as their defiance of finance. To an administration that claims aborting a baby brings about women’s rights, biology is a decision, and vaccination was never going to stop infection is not going to admit we’re rooming with recession just because it meets the precise terms.

Acting as if the government is the ultimate arbiter of truth was a cry for help. The same White House that inflicted the comically Orwellian Disinformation Governance Board maintains there’s no recession just because conditions meet the definition of one. Prosperity through unilaterally inventing quite flexible standards for words can’t work any worse than anything else Biden’s tried.

Those responsible for holding the president accountable have updated their dictionaries. Journalists who treated Donald Trump as a unique threat to truth sure seem indifferent to a White House that fibs about reality like it’s an ideology.

Pretending finances are swell has served as a Rorschach test for typically compliant media members to see if even they’re fed up with creative writing exercises. A handful who aspire to create wild fiction have finally encountered a scenario they find too fantastic.

The incumbent’s only helpful inadvertently. Take how he’s forced purported news professionals to actually do their jobs. Nothing makes parrots cranky like not getting to spend a shift repeating what their favorite politicians announce.

Even worse, nobody else is toiling during this term. The president’s flunkies are paid to lie on his behalf, which makes journalists doing so complimentarily even more mortifying.

By contrast, those who reached their breaking point are catching up on disappointment. You know it’s bad for Biden when the allegedly objective can’t cover for their dreadful dreamboat anymore.

Not being able to buy anything makes us appreciate how there’s more to life than goods. It used to be seekers had to choose avoiding materialism, and the enlightened White House confiscated temptation. Constitution fetishists demand decadent choices to the amusement of office-fillers who mandate inner peace.

You can tell we’re at Red Alert Double Secret DEFCON 1 because Biden says not to panic. It should be impossible to make a country this awesome idle, but the man who future bad hires will be compared to starting with the phrase “The worst president since…” managed his own kind of feat.

Needing to manufacture meth to afford a tank of gas is a genuine crisis. The only actual emergencies during an era when a bumbling cabal tries to wrest liberty by labeling every single thing such are ones they cause.

Learning is a sign of weakness, at least if you work in the most maladroit White House anyone can personally remember. Self-assured geniuses are not about to learn from their ample mistakes. It’s our fault for not making the economy purr like our selfless heroes carefully planned.

The real recession lies in how we let down our kindly president after he handed us a treasure map to jewels. This term was supposed to be a fun adventure like The Goonies. But we let the houses get knocked down.

Did you want to make the poor president weep by not making the economy purr? He’s thinking his hardest of ways to bribe you, and you keep moaning that the useless bills couldn’t buy stuff that’s out of stock, anyway. Seeing how their beliefs inflict what anyone perceptive already knew deeply hurts the feelings of White House economists as much as it does when we notice what sucks.

The only thing worse than being wrong is being wrong again. Biden discovers that he make the world a sadder place every day. There are healthier ways to never stop discovering. Biden made America broke and broken. But at least the rest of the world is in chaos, too.