Rude, Lewd, and Gruden

The NFL ensured everyone’s feelings are preserved, which means the league can finally figure out what a catch is. Jon Gruden’s personal fouls offended the only groups more protected than quarterbacks. Chucky is jobless right before Halloween, and he will remain a worse villain than a serial-killing doll. Literal locker room talk is intolerant and thus won’t be tolerated.

Chronicling the rotten things Gruden emailed has been the most fun oh so balanced reporters have had in years. He should have marked them not safe for work based on how much woke sports quasi-journalists enjoyed impugning his unpalatable notions. Publishing Adam Schefter’s browser history would be redundant. Unlike the ex-head of Raider Nation’s electronic letters, a list of visited sites is private business. ESPN’s sanctimonious preeners were unfortunately born in the wrong decade and country, which kept them from participating in Chinese struggle sessions.

Some of the controversial emails aren’t. We learned Gruden hates thoroughly loathsome commissioner Roger Goodell, which makes him like everyone else connected to football.

Others said more about those reacting than the one sending. For one, he wrote a slur about NFL Players Association’s executive director DeMaurice Smith’s appearance which our culture’s guardians immediately presumed was racist and not an insult aimed as an individual. Their personal mental catalogue of stereotypes they instantly access helps them decide who other than them is prejudiced.

Can you believe the guy who’s spent his life in a sport that’s an outlet for testosterone was skeptical about women officials? The tendency to think football would feature male employees might be understandable from a particular perspective, if antiquated. But is it okay to wonder if the multi-gender personnel move was a virtue signal? We have learned it is not.

Using an objectionable word about gay people is in defiance of platitudes written behind NFL end zones. But Gruden did so while condemning the league’s push for Michael Sam to be drafted regardless of whether he was pro material. His fuming crass term distracted from a defensible point. Choosing someone based on sexuality and not athletic ability is real bigotry. Homophobia is only permitted when it’s patronizing.

Critics inadvertently revealed their own biases. ESPN casually lumped in his contempt for anthem protesters with his mean remarks while listing his transgressions. Insulting America outright is what they think of as brave. It’s not only acceptable but necessary, you know: haven’t you heard this country has problems? Just ask those who got rich playing a game as they exercise natural rights.

The notion that the contents of someone’s inbox are more complex than simple berating has been banished, too. Those who’ve concluded they must protect anyone they’ve deemed less fortunate have no time to ponder the potential distinction between emailed statements and personal character. It’s far too sophisticated to think someone could use a nasty phrase and still not hate those they know based on characteristics.

Age isn’t a justification, but someone who’s 58 might have picked up distasteful beliefs and habits. He has some nerve not keeping up with today’s stringent tolerance. I’m surprised Gruden can work his internet machine. Like guarding both pass and run, it’s tricky to avoid sending uncomfortably dated notions one would regrettably expect from someone who’s associated almost exclusively with football meatheads.

If minority players have felt mistreated, now would be a good time to share details. Gruden may have coached a black player or two. I’m sorry to be racist enough to notice who’s been on his teams. The most vocal critic who played under him has been Keyshawn Johnson, whose case against his erstwhile coach seems based in a personality conflict. It’s not like the rather outspoken former wide receiver made a career out of contentiousness.

Tolerance is universal now that Gruden has been expelled from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Ring of Honor. He’ll no longer sully a group that includes Warren Sapp, who is known for being a professional at football and also assaulting women while patronizing prostitutes.

And I’d hate for a team named in honor of piracy to be dragged down by association. Think of the reputation of present Tampa Bay players such as Antonio Brown, who doesn’t let his sexual assaults stop him from performing, and Richard Sherman, who spent part of his offseason trying to smash his in-law’s door in lieu of training. That’s not to mention cheating Tom Brady. And Rob Gronkowksi’s uncontrollable mood swings totally don’t result from the side effects of performance-enhancing drugs, so clear your head of that baseless claim. Now, Tampa must vacate the title won while Gruden coached if they’re seriously committed to social justice.

Try murdering two people instead of saying hateful things if you’d like to remain recognized for sporting excellence. O.J. Simpson remains on the Buffalo Bills Wall of Fame. It’s almost as if athletic honors are based on play and not personal conduct. The Pro Football Hall of Fame specifically calls for selection based on football criteria. They may have to add an exception to ban anyone who’s ever typed anything narrow-minded.

Don’t ever say something hurtful unless you’re fine with being ostracized from society in a jobless void. The fact the words in question were transmitted privately is used as evidence it’s how he really feels and not someone conversing casually with acquaintances. What’s important is to always presume the worst about a human based on excerpts.

Taking words out of context is now considered proper context. I hope there are no transcripts of college rugby practice. I am certain that everyone assailing the sporting monster of the week would welcome others sifting through their personal correspondence, as the tone is bound to be unanimously magnanimous. Know the professional gloaters have never been cruel or had unkind thoughts while cameras are off.

You don’t have to seek Gruden’s autograph even to burn it. He did type some rather crummy things before mailing them electronically. But the mob of tolerance had too much from chasing him down with their hybrid torches. The former coach has been damned by everyone who has never had an unpleasant or intolerant thought. Gruden’s mistake was writing them.

The victimized undoubtedly appreciate the support. Don’t ask to confirm and ruin the narrative. Acting aggrieved on behalf of those they find marginalized is the real story.

The man who tarnished the spotless reputation of the, um, Raiders has provided a convenient way to flaunt opposition to unearthed injustice. He’s useful to the biased as they preen about how unbiased they are. As a result, I have to semi-defend an overrated coach who wasn’t very interesting as a broadcaster and irked us every commercial break speaking on behalf of Mexico’s grossest beer. I don’t want to hear from Gruden. But there are better reasons to fire him.

Cranky as a lifestyle choice.