I still don’t know if it’s pronounced “Bay-zhing” or “Bay-jing”, so I’ll go with “Dystopian tyrannical hellhole”. The only thing worse than giving another Olympics to China was doing so in 2022. The cartoonishly villainous humanity-crushing virus of a system inflicted one on everybody else in case you hadn’t heard. Those who dole out the snowy race festival apparently didn’t. Biathlon enthusiasts tried to not let the place ruin the course. Sports are one thing despots can’t ruin despite their feeble efforts.
Awful conditions all around are a convenient symbol of communism, so thank the disgraced bringer of a fundamentally tainted ringed showcase for the inadvertently perfect summary. Everything seemed off, including room and board of those attempting to excel.
A busted Olympic village’s prison rations made it tricky for world-class competitors to experience unity. Seeing only parts of faces didn’t help. The Games featured endless virus theater thanks to a pandemic that started within the same borders. A dastardly political philosophy didn’t quite encourage graciousness.
Holding a Winter Olympics in a country that’s not very wintry wasn’t even the worst violation. Lousy fake snow sums up the graceless hosts a bit too perfectly. There sure were a lot of world-class skiers who couldn’t remain upright on the slickly artificial representation. In every event, the loser was China.
Liberty’s precise opposite thought we’d be impressed. Instead, their parade let everyone see how hideous Commietown looks. Endless shoebox towers for warehousing humans must be a delight to inhabit. Unlike contemptible media darling Eileen Gu, I won’t be betraying my country to learn. I hope she admires the place, as she’s already home.
Viewers often enjoy tuning in while going to or returning from commercials to see establishing shots of local scenery. It was entirely different for this Olympics, as those with a John Waters-style taste for spotting distastefulness made sure to see how central schemers could crush spirits with impossibly gray skylines.
An ideology based in managing society can’t figure out where to put anything. Butchers aren’t as swell at urban planning as they think. Everyone’s too scared to point out the layout isn’t super. Prison camps are laid out inefficiently.
China wishes nobody saw the bleak urban scene behind the misplaced venues. The ski ramp next to the steel mill cooling towers was a particularly nice touch. Beijing is a failed SimCity.
Why were the few humans present masked? I can’t find an answer from any official state-authorized media outlet. The small revenge of knowing how communists lost even more money than usual creates a podium-worthy feeling. China-caused empty venues were at least fitting. Selling about four tickets made yet another Games feel like they took place after a neutron weapon attack. Losing the infusion of tourist bucks makes the eerie vibe fitting.
If the Legion of Doom can’t be stopped, at least they have to suffer alongside everyone else. Mad epidemiologists couldn’t contain the misery they unleashed. A regime straight from a comic book suffered from their own global plague. The diabolical are rarely precise.
How can a scuzzy country whose sole purpose is propaganda be so bad at it? Foes of individuality are even lousy at their specialty. Warping reality is as futile as getting rich by collectivizing property. Bitchy fabulists forget to temper their shady boasts.
Lies don’t work if they’re mortifyingly obvious. There’s quit a list of items Bizarro Pooh Xi Jinping doesn’t grasp about life. Letting a Uyghur help light the torch was such a shameless attempt to distract from genocide that only Savannah Guthrie fell for it.
NBC executives apparently didn’t think their souls were valuable for the measly price they got. A few pointed critiques from Mike Tirico meant he won gold for guts. But fawning coverage bestowed upon the epitome of oppression was the perverse standard. If you find yourself in a position where you can’t criticize an entity for financial or safety reasons, maybe decline a pact with that particular devil.
Vying for gold in a dump sucks for those who committed the crime of adoring sports. As an Olympics junkie, I even dig the freak tournaments we neglect until our citizens try to beat the rest of the world at them. I’m already forgetting about the luge.
By contrast, I’ll always remember to want fellow Americans who are infinitely better at skating or plummeting down an incline to come home wearing precious metals. The elation of seeing fellow countrymen is especially treasured when the place in question is the best. Unlike China, we’re correct.
The urge to have skipped every type of freezing bout was understandable. But who gets denied happiness by refusing to watch? As a hint, it wasn’t China. Fans who tuned in focused on the competition and not location. The hippie dream of coming together for a few weeks makes even the most cynical amongst us feel inspired for two weeks every other year. Punishing athletes wouldn’t hurt those who stuck them in the precise opposite of an idyllic snow globe.
In the future, the dilemma of how to treat an Olympics stuck in a totalitarian hive can be avoided by awarding them instead to Salt Lake City or Lake Placid in the first place. The best case during the worst sporting situation is going and dominating. One fewer gold than China can’t negate bringing home 10 more overall. So many Americans won with joy that can’t be topped.
Other countries won unofficial contests. Russia’s ubiquitous cheating seems small-scale by comparison. Pretending a rotten entity will behave because they’re not allowed to don their nation’s flag is like presuming Michael Scott’s next paper company will succeed because it has a new name. Meanwhile, France just needs to keep venues from collapsing into the Seine to look like relatively competent presenters; they don’t even have to pretend to be polite. And the free world gets reminded what the ghastly alternative to autonomy looks like.
The Olympics can’t suck completely as long as the best of us try their utmost. But the most undeserving recipients forced fans to distinguish between playing sports and manipulating games. The cabal that dispenses the world’s most notable athletic gathering clearly wasn’t on performance-enhancing drugs. As with Congress, we can appreciate the idea while loathing the inherently corrupt pompous dolts inside who screw up results. China got their showcase. The curse of a granted wish has never felt more fitting. Karma medalled.